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After thirty years, I am finally beginning to appreciate the mother you have been to me. Although Jana is only ten months old, I feel I have learned more about you in the short time since her birth than in all my years of growing up and breaking away.
三十年之后,我才终于感受到一直以来您是怎样的一位母亲.尽管嘉娜只有十个月大,但是我觉得,比起我几十年的慢慢成长,直到离开您的日子,她出生之后的这段短暂的时光让我对您有了更多的了解.
As I go about my new life of caring for Jana, I constantly wonder, how on earth did you do it? You, who raised not one, not two, but six children. I'm still feeling shock waves from the change and upheaval one child has made in my life, and I know that what I have experienced so far is only a glimpse, the barest hint, of all you went through raising us.
我开始了一种全新的生活-照顾嘉娜,然而我不断地想：是什么让您做到了这一切?您养育的不是一个孩子,也并非两个,而是六个.现在,我依然能够感受到一个小孩给我的生活带来的巨变.我明白,与您为养育我们所付出的一切相比,我所经历的这些事情无非是冰山一角,根本不值得一提.
"You learn to sacrifice when you have children." was one of your stock phrases when I was growing up. To you, sacrifice was a necessary virtue, an accepted part of parenthood. But I didn't go for that. I considered sacrifice not only unnecessary, but unfashionable and downright unappealing as well.
"当你有了自己的孩子,你就能学会牺牲."在我成长的岁月中,这是您经常挂在嘴边的一句话.在您的眼里,牺牲是必须具备的一种美德,是为人父母必须接受的一部分.而那时的我并不这样认为.我觉得牺牲不仅没有必要,而且是一件并不时髦的事情,更无吸引力可言.
Well, Mom, what can I say? I'm learning.
唉,母亲,如今我又能说些什么呢?我正在逐步地学习这一切.
Lately, I've begun to look on motherhood as an initiation into "real life". I don't think I realized until Jana's birth that the life I'd led previously - relatively free, easy, and affluent - is not the life led by most people - past or present.
最近一段时间,我开始把为母之道看成是迈入"真实生活"的第一步.我觉得,直到嘉娜出生的那一刻,我才认识到之前我所过的那种生活-相对而言轻松自由、舒适安逸,并且衣食无忧-并非大部分人所过的生活-不管是过去还是现在.
By becoming a mother, I seem to have acquired automatic membership into a universal club made up of uncertainties and vulnerabilities, limitations and difficulties, and sometimes, unsolvable problems. Of course, the club has its benefits, too.
如今,我也成了一位母亲,就像其他所有母亲一样,有了诸多限制、困难以及不确定性,并且很容易受到伤害,有时候,还会遇到一些无法解决的难题.当然,其中也有无限乐趣.
When Jana wakes from her afternoon nap and, so happy to see me, gives me her radiant full-face smile, I smile back and feel on my own face the smile you used to give me when I woke up in the morning. Or, when Jana does something particularly cute, I'll glance up at Gary, and in the look we exchange I see the one I remember crossing between you and dad at opposite ends of the dinner table. It was a look full of feelings I never knew until now.
每当嘉娜从午后小憩中醒来,她都会很高兴地看着我,对着我露出灿烂的笑容.而我也会微笑着看着她,此时此刻我能感受到的是,自己脸上的笑容正是您脸上所展现出来的微笑,那正是以往我早晨醒来时,经常在您的脸上看到的.每当嘉娜做了一些特别可爱的动作时,我都会抬头去看加利,从我们之间相互交换的眼神中我看到坐在餐桌两端的您和父亲四目相对时的样子.直到今天,我才体会到这其中所蕴含的深情.
When I hold Jana close to me and look down to see my hand tight across her chest. Or when I tuck a blanket around her while she sleeps and touch the skin of her cheek. I see your hands (those hardworking hands with their smooth oval nails, steady and capable and caring) doing the same things. Then I feel as if some of the love and security you gave to me through those hands is now in mine, as I pass that love on to Jana.
当我紧紧地抱着嘉娜,低下头去看我紧紧抱在她胸前的手,或者是当她熟睡时,我为她轻轻掖好毯子,触摸她的脸庞时,我都会看到您的双手（那双有着椭圆形光滑指甲的手,那双辛勤持家、从容不迫而又能干体贴的手）也在做着同样的事情.于是我就会感到,仿佛此时自己的手中就握着您传递给我的母爱和安全感.而如今,我又把它给了嘉娜.
The other day Jana fell asleep against my arm. I must have spent fifteen or twenty minutes staring at her, marveling at the wheat color of her hair, the suppleness of her skin, her perfect tiny red mouth, moving now and then in sleep. What a rush I felt, of love and wonder, of care and luck, and more. I suddenly remembered something I saw on your face last summer, when I was home on a visit shortly after Jana's birth.
几天以前,嘉娜在我的臂弯里沉沉地睡着.我必定花了足足十五到二十分钟的时间来欣赏她.我为她那麦色的秀发、柔滑的肌肤以及那睡梦中动来动去的小红嘴唇而惊奇.一种激动之情从我的全身掠过,爱、赞叹、关心、幸运以及更多的复杂情感交织在一起,我觉得心潮澎湃.我猛然记起去年夏天,我在您的脸上所看到的某种神情,那个时候,嘉娜刚出生不久,我回家去探望你们.
We were sitting on the glider swing in the backyard. It was a lovely morning, cool there in the shade, and the air was full of fragrance from your rose garden. I was holding Jana, who seemed to enjoy the gentle movement of the swing.
我们坐在后院的秋千上.那是一个非常可爱的早晨,树荫下凉爽宜人,空气中还弥漫着阵阵幽香,那是从您的玫瑰花园里飘过来的.我抱着嘉娜,秋千缓缓的摇摆似乎让她感觉十分惬意.
But I wasn't enjoying anything just then. I'd had a rough night. Jana was six weeks old and had been up every few hours. I, fretful and nervous as only a new mother can be, had been having trouble falling back to sleep between her feedings. I was cranky and tired, and not feeling cheerful about this motherhood business at all.
但是,那时的我没有一点儿兴致.前一天晚上,我简直累坏了.嘉娜只有六个星期大,而且每隔几个小时都要哭闹一次.而我,就像初为人母的人一样,既烦躁又紧张,在给她喂奶的间歇里,我很难再次入睡.我变得狂躁不安,身心疲惫,对为人之母提不起半点儿兴致.
Sitting on the glider, we talked - or rather, I talked, letting loose my load of anxiety and frustrations on you. And out of the blue, you reached over to touch my hair.
就那样,我们坐在秋千上交谈着-换句话说,是我在说.我把我所感到的焦虑和失望统统向您倾诉.然而突然之间,您伸手摸了摸我的头发.
"It's so pretty." you said, an odd expression on your face. "The way the sun is hitting it just now...I never noticed you had so many red highlights before."
"简直美极了."您说着,脸上还浮现出一丝奇怪的表情."太阳就这样照过去……我从未注意到你有这么多红得发亮的头发."
A little embarrassed, preoccupied with other thoughts and problems, I shrugged off your comment. I don't know what I said, something short and dismissive, no doubt, as I waved away the compliment. But your words affected me. It had been a long time since someone had seen something truly beautiful in me, and I was pleased.
当时,我有一点儿窘迫,脑子里仍然想着其他烦心事,因此,我只是耸耸肩,对您的赞美不以为然.我不记得当时自己说了些什么,不过一定都是一些简短的、不以为然的回答.我挥了挥手,就这样回绝了您的赞美.事实上,您的这番话打动了我.长久以来,再没有人能注意到我身上的那种真正的美丽之处了,我开心极了.
It has taken me this long to realize that the look you gave me that day is the same look I give her almost daily. And it makes me wonder: Is it possible that you still see the miracle in me that I see in Jana? Does the magic continue even when your children are grown and gone and parents themselves? Will I look at Jana in thirty years and still feel the same rush of love for her that I do now?
时至今日,我才明白原来那天您看我的眼神就是如今我几乎天天看嘉娜的眼神.这令我浮想联翩：在我的身上,您还能看到奇迹吗,如同我在嘉娜身上看到的?而这种魔力在孩子们长大成人,离开家庭并为人父母之后是否还会存在?再过三十年,我看嘉娜时,还会有今日这般似潮涌动的爱意吗?
It almost hurts to think of that kind of love. It's too vulnerable, too fragile. I know well the barriers that spring up between parents and their children over the years, the frictions, the misunderstandings, the daily conflicts and struggles, the inevitable pulling away and final break for independence. I ache to think that someday Jana will grow up and wave away my tentative words of love as I did yours.
每当想到这份爱,总会让人心痛.这份感情太容易受到伤害,也太脆弱.我深深地懂得,日复一日父母与孩子们之间所出现的各种代沟、摩擦、误解、每天都会发生的冲突和斗争,以及不可避免地脱离家庭并最终独立的过程.终有一天,小嘉娜也会长大.她也会如我一般,对来自母亲的试探性的爱的表白视而不见.每当想到这里,我都会伤心不已.
What happens to that first strong rush of love? Is it lost somewhere along the way, buried beneath the routine practicalities of caring for a growing child? Or is it there all along unvoiced and unexpressed, until, perhaps, a new child is born and a mother reaches out to touch her daughter's hair?
最初的、强烈的爱的冲动究竟怎么了呢?是把它丢在一路走来的某个地方了,还是埋藏在了养育孩子不断成长的日常生活中了?或许它就在那里,一直埋藏在心里,没有被表白直至一个新生儿的诞生,直至一个母亲伸手去触摸自己女儿的头发?
That, it seems to me, is the real miracle: the way a mother's love is rediscovered, repeated, passed on again and again - as it has been handed down in our lives from you to me, from me to Jana, and from Jana, perhaps, to her own children. It is a gift in itself.
在我看来,这就是一个真正的奇迹：通过这种方式,母爱再一次被发现、重复,并一代接一代地传承下去-就像在我们的生活中,它从您的手中递到我的手中,又从我这里传给了嘉娜.或许还会从嘉娜那里传给她的子孙们.它本身就是一种馈赠.
I guess what I've been meaning to say all along is, thanks, Mom.
我觉得,长久以来,我想对您说的就是：谢谢您,母亲.
